In contemporary psychotherapy, forgiveness is often presented as an essential component of healing. Many therapeutic models — particularly those influenced by spiritual, humanistic, or positive psychology traditions — frame forgiveness as a marker of growth, resilience, and emotional resolution.
Yet, it is crucial for clinicians to recognize that forgiveness is not always a necessary or appropriate goal for every client. In fact, for many survivors of trauma, abuse, systemic violence, and relational betrayal, the pressure to forgive may be experienced as invalidating, retraumatizing, or even unsafe.
This reflection explores how not forgiving can be an adaptive, boundary-preserving, and empowering stance for some clients — and how therapists can support clients in navigating this choice with clinical attunement.
Recognizing the Social Pressures Around Forgiveness
Cultural narratives around forgiveness are deeply ingrained. Clients frequently report receiving messages such as “You need to forgive to move on,” “Forgiveness will set you free,” or “Holding on to anger will only hurt you.” Such messages can create an internalized sense of failure or guilt when forgiveness does not come easily — particularly for clients who have survived significant harm.
Therapists must be cautious not to reinforce these pressures within the therapeutic relationship. Forgiveness should never be treated as a clinical mandate, but rather as one of many possible pathways a client may explore — or may reject — in their healing process.
The Validity of Not Forgiving
For many clients, especially those recovering from interpersonal trauma or systemic oppression, not forgiving can be a deeply valid and protective stance. It may represent:
- An assertion of personal boundaries — a refusal to reconcile with a perpetrator or minimize the impact of harm.
- A recognition of the gravity of the trauma — honoring the reality that some actions are unforgivable by the survivor’s standards.
- A rejection of premature closure — acknowledging that healing may involve integrating complex emotions rather than forcing resolution.
Choosing not to forgive is not synonymous with chronic bitterness or emotional stagnation. Many clients who consciously decide not to forgive still experience post-traumatic growth, restored agency, and an enhanced sense of self-respect.
Anger as an Adaptive Emotion
In clinical work, it is important to validate anger as an adaptive, protective emotion — especially in clients whose anger has been historically dismissed or pathologized. Righteous anger can help clients:
- Identify personal values and boundaries
- Recognize injustice and name what was harmful
- Mobilize for self-advocacy or social change
- Protect themselves from future harm
Therapists can support clients in differentiating between destructive rumination and constructive anger. In many cases, choosing not to forgive allows clients to retain their connection to this healthy anger while continuing to live meaningful and connected lives.
The Role of Boundaries in Healing
Forgiveness is often mistakenly conflated with relational repair. In reality, many clients who choose to forgive do so while maintaining strict boundaries with those who harmed them — while others choose not to forgive as a form of permanent boundary-setting.
In therapy, it can be helpful to explore with clients how not forgiving may serve their current relational safety and autonomy. For example:
- Survivors of abuse may choose not to forgive as a means of severing emotional ties to their abuser.
- Clients navigating toxic family systems may find empowerment in refusing to forgive as a statement of self-worth.
- Members of marginalized groups may resist forgiving institutions or individuals who remain unaccountable for systemic harm.
In these contexts, not forgiving is a powerful act of reclaiming agency — not a failure of personal growth.
Avoiding Complicity Through Forgiveness
Therapists working with clients affected by systemic trauma (racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, colonialism, etc.) must be especially careful not to weaponize forgiveness discourse in ways that pacify righteous resistance.
Encouraging forgiveness without addressing the larger context of injustice can inadvertently place the burden of emotional labor on the oppressed while leaving systems of harm unchallenged. In these cases, supporting a client’s refusal to forgive may align more closely with principles of justice, empowerment, and trauma-informed care.
Clinical Implications
As clinicians, it is vital to:
- Center client autonomy in decisions about forgiveness.
- Normalize not forgiving as a valid, adaptive choice.
- Help clients differentiate between healthy anger and corrosive rumination.
- Support clients in cultivating meaningful lives with or without forgiveness.
- Be mindful of cultural, spiritual, and systemic contexts that shape forgiveness narratives.
Ultimately, the therapist’s role is not to prescribe forgiveness, but to witness, validate, and support whatever path to healing the client chooses — whether that includes forgiveness, non-forgiveness, or an evolving stance over time.